Using your contacts without making them feel used
If there were ever a more important time to network, I can’t remember it. I’ve been to so many going-away parties in the last few weeks that I’m starting to wonder what I’m still doing here. People who thought they’d played it professionally safe — bankers, lawyers, significant others of bankers and lawyers — are suddenly finding themselves among the nation’s growing jobless. And even those who remain gainfully employed are hoarding their cash, certain they’ll be the next to go.
So we young people do what any sane person would do: We spin the old mental Rolodex. We note all the people who don’t hate us and might be of some use. And then we send messages that read something like this:
Hey, Person I Need!
Long time no talk! How are you?! Sorry I haven’t written you in 17 years — boy have I been busy — but here’s some contrived anecdote to show I’ve been thinking about you. Thought you’d like to hear these few random things that are going on with me, too. Oh, by the way, I was thinking you could hire me/refer me/help me in some other way I’ve been generous enough to dream up for you. And since I’m sure you’re dying to read my resume, it’s attached. Totally can’t wait to catch up!
Sincerely,
Most Transparent Jobseeker Ever
If that sounds extreme, believe me, it’s not. I have, in fact, received a number of notes not unlike this myself in recent weeks. And for the record, it isn’t that I wouldn’t be happy to help if I could. It’s just that the approach is so completely disingenuous that it’s actually detrimental to the person’s cause. (And we Yers tend to be more prone to it because of our sometime lack of social graces, the quick and familiar way we communicate, and the broad if not deep virtual networks we’re able to maintain.)
As understandable — and essential — as the urge to work one’s connections is in times like these, there’s still an art to doing it. It’s rooted in basic common sense and good manners, and it applies in every situation, whether you’re sending an e-mail, Facebook message, smoke signal, singing telegram, or (gasp) letter. So, in the interest of maintaining our networking dignity, here are a couple suggestions for reaching out the right way…
- Be honest — no, really. It’s important that any networking note we write contains the usual niceties (a “hope you’re doing well,” and some punctuation, for example), but don’t overdo it. When we try too hard to be all “great”s and giggles — especially in an attempt to obscure the fact that we want something — it usually has just the opposite effect. Not only does it draw attention to our self-serving motives, it can also be fairly insulting to the intelligence of the recipient. Why not, instead, try telling the truth? “I know it’s been a long time,” you might say, “but I recently started looking for a new job and, since you’re one of the people who’s offered help in that arena over the years, I thought I’d check in.” (And if the person’s a legitimate friend, a light-hearted nod to the awkwardness often diffuses any tension: “I’m so sorry you’re only hearing from me now, when I need you, but I hope you won’t hold it against me forever.”) It’s nothing revolutionary, but with trust in short supply these days, a little sincerity goes a very long way.
- Ask for advice, not a gig. It’s never really proper to ask for a job outright unless you’re in an actual interview. But with the job market in the state it is, and everyone worried about their own job, it’s particularly poor form right now. Some people may not even respond to you if they feel pressured to produce a possible job or broker an introduction, so focus your energy on seeking out good advice, insights, and resources. If, for instance, there’s a job you’re interested in at an acquaintance’s company, write to ask what s/he thinks of the department, not to look for the hookup. This tack is flattering — after all, who doesn’t like the idea that their perspective might be valuable? — and it puts you in the positive light of a potential protégé or close colleague, someone that your contact may think of (fondly, and maybe even first) should a job prospect arise. This way, if they have a post or person to share with you, they can do so on their own terms. And if all they have to give you is a few words of wisdom, at least they know that’s worthwhile to you, too.
- Do not attach your resume. And for that matter, don’t attach any other representations of your wonderfulness that are likely to lock up people’s inboxes, even if you’re sure they like you. Not only can it seem presumptuous, it also looks a bit desperate. Even if you’re posting to a group of friends about your job search, it’s much more effective (not to mention safer) to just include a few sentences about what you’re looking for and what you’ve done, rather than giving them your entire work history, which they’re not likely to read anyway. As a rule, re-establish contact first, then ply with documents.
- Facebook doesn’t change anything. In our age of social networking, it can be tempting to use the relaxed attitude of tools like Facebook to take the work out of networking. It’s so easy now to just “friend” a person you haven’t talked to in years — without so much as a, “Remember me from high school?” — then hit them with the old, “I really love your company, so…” But take it from me, that isn’t going to be received any better by a Facebook friend than it would be by anyone else. Even on the Web, people know when they’re being used, and they don’t like it. So apply the same amount of courtesy and concern there as you would everywhere else.
- Show a little gratitude. Remember that everyone, from the C-suite all the way down, is under pressure right now. So thank them for their time, and if they make an effort to respond, even if they don’t say much, realize it means something — and say so. Not just because it’s the right thing to do, but because it fosters a continuing relationship. We’re so connected, and it’s so easy to maintain those connections in today’s world, that there really is no excuse not to build and nurture as many substantive relationships as you can. (And just to be clear, by substantive, I don’t mean poking and gifting, but actual communication, like with words.) That may seem like a big investment of time for not very much immediate return — and goodness knows many of us really need the return at the moment — but trust me, you just never know.
Amazing post. At this time, this information could not be more crucial for myself and others. Rarely are we ever taught the etiquette or art of maintaining contacts. We know how to attain them, but not how to keep them. Thanks!
In my last position, before being let go in January, my manager had pushed on us to forget the email, and all electronic forms of contact, and just “pick up the phone and call.”
Social networking is great, but it seems to have reduced the process down to adding as many people on Linkedin as possible, without so much as an attempt at a half-hearted introduction.
I wonder how many of us, these days, would be willing to pick up the phone and call rather than write a “nice, neat little note,” to the contact we’ve ignored for so long or when approaching the new prospect.
What do you think? When networking among people you’ve known over the years, would you call or send a message?
Regards,
In my last position, before being let go in January, my manager had pushed on us to forget the email, and all electronic forms of contact, and just “pick up the phone and call.”
Social networking is great, but it seems to have reduced the process down to adding as many people on Linkedin as possible, without so much as an attempt at a half-hearted introduction.
I wonder how many of us, these days, would be willing to pick up the phone and call rather than write a “nice, neat little note,” to the contact we’ve ignored for so long or when approaching the new prospect.
What do you think? When networking among people you’ve known over the years, would you call or send a message?
Regards,
I supervise a couple of twenty-somethings, and I am amazed as the seeming aversion to work face to face, especially with customers. I agree that it isn’t often strictly necessary, and I have many colleagues and friends that I have never met, but in person solidifies business (and personal) relationships in ways that you can’t do online or on the phone. I actually had someone participate in a conference by phone rather than drive about five miles from the office to do it in person. I’m not at all outgoing, but I am a bit old school in that I think that you are sending a message if you can’t take the opportunity to actually meet someone. Any opinion?
I supervise a couple of twenty-somethings, and I am amazed as the seeming aversion to work face to face, especially with customers. I agree that it isn’t often strictly necessary, and I have many colleagues and friends that I have never met, but in person solidifies business (and personal) relationships in ways that you can’t do online or on the phone. I actually had someone participate in a conference by phone rather than drive about five miles from the office to do it in person. I’m not at all outgoing, but I am a bit old school in that I think that you are sending a message if you can’t take the opportunity to actually meet someone. Any opinion?
This is so on-point, Nadira. I recently learned that we experience 1/20th the number of human interactions, as compared to 20 years ago. You’ve raised the awareness and provided some valuable tips. Let’s hope that other Gen Y’ers are tuned in, turned on and take this seriously. (Thanks for sprinkling in the great humor, too.)
Best Regards,
Steve Dorfman
http://www.blog.driventoexcel.com/
This is so on-point, Nadira. I recently learned that we experience 1/20th the number of human interactions, as compared to 20 years ago. You’ve raised the awareness and provided some valuable tips. Let’s hope that other Gen Y’ers are tuned in, turned on and take this seriously. (Thanks for sprinkling in the great humor, too.)
Best Regards,
Steve Dorfman
http://www.blog.driventoexcel.com/
Excellent article, superstar!
I appreciate the way you approached the challenge and, even more importantly, the practical steps you outlined. Thank you for being a part of the solution!
Misti Burmeister, best-selling author of “From Boomers To Bloggers: Success Strategies Across Generations”
Excellent article, superstar!
I appreciate the way you approached the challenge and, even more importantly, the practical steps you outlined. Thank you for being a part of the solution!
Misti Burmeister, best-selling author of “From Boomers To Bloggers: Success Strategies Across Generations”
This is an excellent piece of work. As a senior employee, I find myself surrounded with a bunch of 20 somethings who, to make it simple, haven’t a clue….but they sure think they do. Their lack of manners and respect would be laughable, if this was “The Office”, and not for real. I guess it’s the entitlement mentality so apparent in this age bracket. This group needs to learn that there’s so much more to a career than showing up and smiling a lot. In the long run, this recession will probably be good for some of them. The party’s over, certainly for the forseeable future. Now the bosses look at who they NEED, not necessarily who they want.
This is an excellent piece of work. As a senior employee, I find myself surrounded with a bunch of 20 somethings who, to make it simple, haven’t a clue….but they sure think they do. Their lack of manners and respect would be laughable, if this was “The Office”, and not for real. I guess it’s the entitlement mentality so apparent in this age bracket. This group needs to learn that there’s so much more to a career than showing up and smiling a lot. In the long run, this recession will probably be good for some of them. The party’s over, certainly for the forseeable future. Now the bosses look at who they NEED, not necessarily who they want.
Really useful list! It sparked some additional thoughts that I share with my gen Y audiences when it comes to networking. Both have to do with making it easy for the other person to respond to you. First, you need to communicate in the language and manner that the person you want to approach is most comfortable. In other words, if they are phone people, you need to call; if they are email people, email, etc. In addition, anything you can do to make it easier for the person to take time out of their busy schedule will be looked upon favorably. For example, I can’t make a separate trip into the city to meet with a job hunter; yet, if I’m already in the city and giving a talk and they attend, I can usually find a few minutes. Another tip is that experts often respond to blog comments if they have a blog, and that’s another great way to start a dialogue. You’re helping them out by commenting on their blog (and hopefully adding some insightful thoughts), and that opens up the opportunity for future correspondence.
Diane K. Danielson
ceo, http://www.downtownwomensclub.com
Really useful list! It sparked some additional thoughts that I share with my gen Y audiences when it comes to networking. Both have to do with making it easy for the other person to respond to you. First, you need to communicate in the language and manner that the person you want to approach is most comfortable. In other words, if they are phone people, you need to call; if they are email people, email, etc. In addition, anything you can do to make it easier for the person to take time out of their busy schedule will be looked upon favorably. For example, I can’t make a separate trip into the city to meet with a job hunter; yet, if I’m already in the city and giving a talk and they attend, I can usually find a few minutes. Another tip is that experts often respond to blog comments if they have a blog, and that’s another great way to start a dialogue. You’re helping them out by commenting on their blog (and hopefully adding some insightful thoughts), and that opens up the opportunity for future correspondence.
Diane K. Danielson
ceo, http://www.downtownwomensclub.com
Great advice. I am going to post this article to my blog and suggest to everyone to read it and follow the advice.
Best Regards,
Jon Lyles
PresidentEximius Personnel
Great advice. I am going to post this article to my blog and suggest to everyone to read it and follow the advice.
Best Regards,
Jon Lyles
PresidentEximius Personnel
This is good advice. People need to remember that networking is NOT just for when you are in need. You should always be building relationships along the way. Avoid your contacts until you are looking for help and you will be seen as a taker.
Networking should be a lifestyle where you create and cultivate mutually beneficial relationships. Be helpful to others as often as you can and you will find them lined up to help you when you are in your hour of need.
But if you have always been “too busy” to help others you will find some cold shoulders when you are trying to reach out for help. Bummer.
Everyone should look to make new contacts, keep connections alive or reconnect BEFORE they find themselves job hunting. But even if you are in that spot, be sure to be looking for ways to help others anyway.
I have written several books on this topic, and I am still amazed at how many people have the wrong idea about networking.
thom singer
Author and Speaker
http://www.thomsinger.com
This is good advice. People need to remember that networking is NOT just for when you are in need. You should always be building relationships along the way. Avoid your contacts until you are looking for help and you will be seen as a taker.
Networking should be a lifestyle where you create and cultivate mutually beneficial relationships. Be helpful to others as often as you can and you will find them lined up to help you when you are in your hour of need.
But if you have always been “too busy” to help others you will find some cold shoulders when you are trying to reach out for help. Bummer.
Everyone should look to make new contacts, keep connections alive or reconnect BEFORE they find themselves job hunting. But even if you are in that spot, be sure to be looking for ways to help others anyway.
I have written several books on this topic, and I am still amazed at how many people have the wrong idea about networking.
thom singer
Author and Speaker
http://www.thomsinger.com
Good advice…
But the time to start looking for your next job is the day you start the one you currently have… You need to lay the ground work for that networking email/phone call months to years in advance. If you already have a connection to someone it’s a lot easier to get past the awkwardness and onto the “what is happening in your business” part of the communication.
It also helps to have been giving folks a hand when you were on your way up… ‘Cause you never know who you are going to meet/need on the way down.
Always remember – What goes around comes around. And when it comes back ’round to you – having a big network is way better than no network…
Good advice…
But the time to start looking for your next job is the day you start the one you currently have… You need to lay the ground work for that networking email/phone call months to years in advance. If you already have a connection to someone it’s a lot easier to get past the awkwardness and onto the “what is happening in your business” part of the communication.
It also helps to have been giving folks a hand when you were on your way up… ‘Cause you never know who you are going to meet/need on the way down.
Always remember – What goes around comes around. And when it comes back ’round to you – having a big network is way better than no network…
I can’t believe I came across this blog entry… I had a friend from school message me on Facebook looking for a job just today. I swear he read this article because he happened to follow each one of the above points.
I can’t believe I came across this blog entry… I had a friend from school message me on Facebook looking for a job just today. I swear he read this article because he happened to follow each one of the above points.
Great piece, well worth the time for reading. We all need recurrent reminders of the “receiver’s” perspective on certain touchy communications. It is always hard to ask for help, but it is less clumsy if one tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
John
Great piece, well worth the time for reading. We all need recurrent reminders of the “receiver’s” perspective on certain touchy communications. It is always hard to ask for help, but it is less clumsy if one tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
John
Well stated !! Even if you network constantly in your current job…these are excellent points that remind us of the saying “it’s not who you are , or who you know, it’s WHO knows YOU. And if I may add to ” and why ?”
Well stated !! Even if you network constantly in your current job…these are excellent points that remind us of the saying “it’s not who you are , or who you know, it’s WHO knows YOU. And if I may add to ” and why ?”
Great piece! I had to share it on my blogs. I am a Recruiter and just wrote a book about networking. This is a subject very dear to my heart. I tell people all the time to cultivate your network so that they can be an asset to you when you really need them. Collecting names on social networks and hording business cards does not make effective networking. Building relationship over time and keeping in contact with your connections is the only way to really network.
Yes, I get a lot of people I haven’t heard of in years suddenly wanting my help. I rarely turn people down, but I give them a gentle reminder that networking is a two way street and doesn’t cost anything but a phone call, email or a coffee or lunch. It’s rude to ask for help and communicate with someone only when you need something. I send a quarterly update to all my contacts letting them know what I’m up to and I always ask how I can help them. I hope people read and take heed to this article. Thanks for sharing Nadira.
Great piece! I had to share it on my blogs. I am a Recruiter and just wrote a book about networking. This is a subject very dear to my heart. I tell people all the time to cultivate your network so that they can be an asset to you when you really need them. Collecting names on social networks and hording business cards does not make effective networking. Building relationship over time and keeping in contact with your connections is the only way to really network.
Yes, I get a lot of people I haven’t heard of in years suddenly wanting my help. I rarely turn people down, but I give them a gentle reminder that networking is a two way street and doesn’t cost anything but a phone call, email or a coffee or lunch. It’s rude to ask for help and communicate with someone only when you need something. I send a quarterly update to all my contacts letting them know what I’m up to and I always ask how I can help them. I hope people read and take heed to this article. Thanks for sharing Nadira.
Nadira, fantastic post. You have said exactly what many of us have been thinking recently when contacted by ghosts from networking past.
Best,
Alexandra Levit
Business/Workplace Author and Speaker
http://www.alexandralevit.com
Nadira, fantastic post. You have said exactly what many of us have been thinking recently when contacted by ghosts from networking past.
Best,
Alexandra Levit
Business/Workplace Author and Speaker
http://www.alexandralevit.com
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What started as a quirky Fortune cover story on Generation Y in 2007 has turned into a full-time job covering the fastest growing segment of the American workforce for Nadira A. Hira. But it's on The Gig that she's been able to speak directly to the much discussed, much maligned, and she thinks, very much underestimated Yers themselves, reflecting with them on everything from finding meaningful work to hiding meaningful body art. Herself a Yer, Hira has always been interested in engaging her peers, from her time writing for MTV News' Choose or Lose 2004 campaign, to her work spreading the Gen Y story as a speaker and television personality, from CNN to VH1 and back again. A recipient of the NewsBios 30 Under 30 award, showcasing business journalists on the rise, the would-be poet, sometime bartender, and professional sports fan, calls downtown Manhattan - and The Gig - home.
Amazing post. At this time, this information could not be more crucial for myself and others. Rarely are we ever taught the etiquette or art of maintaining contacts. We know how to attain them, but not how to keep them. Thanks!